Friday, January 11, 2008

High on chewing gum...



Literature 101 Test Paper


Question1: An apple is kept on the lectern of an author. Try to be in the shoes of several different authors with diverse styles and try to emulate their writing styles.


Chetan Bhagat:


This is an apple.

Inzamam-ul-Haq:

Allah be praised. This is a appel.

Arundhati Roy:

This is an apple, saving which the gardener must have run behind naughty kids who stole apples just for the fun of it, rather than the need, vacating space in the process for the monkeys to latch on to branch after branch to make their way to the much coveted apple which hung there, indifferent to act against its own downfall and disappearance in the obliviousness of the intestines of our ancestral specie, only half intelligent as us, and consequently, only half hygienic. It does not mind its atoms being mixed with those of stinky unmentionable stuff, a death much more contemptible than a respectful one of natural causes which it might manage to sneak if he manages to escape from the attention of the monkey today and tomorrow of the gardener.

Lauren Weisenberg:
Well, on days like these one really does regret becoming a writer in the first place. Not being paid for the most uninteresting, pseudo unchallenging job which, on top of it all, is not going to be read by anyone.
Sweet.
So dear Mr apple, I bow to your supremacy of possessing the power to propel life, which, agreed, thousands of other species of living beings also do, but you are still, no doubt, peculiar.
I must say however, that had there been any other fruit or vegetable in front of me today to be described, that would have also been equally peculiar.

Sulman Rushdie:


Rising in buoyant curves in implicit shoulders, judging from the ratio they made between the bench to the crest, reflecting light with differential magnitude on its crimson shimmering surface, the apple is kept on the table, in a state of too much superciliousness to react at the honor of being the subject of inspiration of the winner of Booker of Booker's, myself. It’s daring me for a conflict of the titans, as to who will psyche out the other and prove his dominance by not attempting to demonstrate it at all.

M.K. Gandhi:


Eating an apple is directly related to rising lust level in a man. I shall resist it till the last drop of my blood.
Doctors keep requesting me to eat apples as my iron level is on the fall steadily. But I just join my hands and refuse the offer politely explaining to them that only sacrifice can lead to true attainment of ideal life style, lust is a direct enemy of which.
I hope my Kathiawad friends and my son Hari can understand my view point and forgive me for this.

P.G. Wodehouse:

It is amazing how seemingly easy jobs can turn out to be the toughest ones. Today I was told I have to describe an object. I geared myself for the Chateau de Versailles or the Pinnah fish to be presented for which I would happily weave fancy sentences, dedicating personal attention to each and every possible view of the object.
But what an anticlimax to find an apple kept on the table.
What can any one write about an apple?
Even though this line and the previous one are being read back to back by you, they have three  gruelling hours between them, and as you must have guessed by now, I am going to hand it over to Jeeves and take a nap now, finding myself incapable of writing a single sentence about it.

It was only three days later that I accidentally came across what Jeeves had finally written in his neat petite handwriting:
'This is a red apple.'
Jeeves, educated just enough to be a butler, had yet again outwitted me.

P.S.:
Did Harbhajan say ‘monkey’ or did he say ‘maa ki?’

35 comments:

divya said...

lolz it was fun reading this sachin :D

P.S- if i were given a chance i would do it just like jeeves did :P

Mez said...

Ur name reminds me about Johnny Gaddar flick. Anyways thnx for droppin by mah blog & ofcourse, liking it :)

KP said...

hahaha.....hood ones.....really well written....keeping each personality in mind....;)

p.s. since when did "monkey" became racist term?

Johnny Cigar said...

@divya,
equalling jeeves is a no mean feet, if you are a wodehouse fan..
I, myself might have done it like Inzammam..

@mez,
My name has nothing to do with Johnny Gaddar..
:(
It is taken from acharacter from the novel Shantaram!

@kp,
thanks..
monkey is a highly racist remark in some countries..
but one of the defense of the indian team was that it is a colloquial word in India and hence should not be considered racist.
lets c what the new zealander has to say about it..

gunj said...

lol
dat was v funny!!
gr8 job!!
btw bhajji said "mainu ki??" :P

Johnny Cigar said...

@gunj,
lol
dat was v funny!!
watever he said, bhajji ki bhaaji toh ban gayi!

Sachin the Seth :)) said...

Are we emulating Bachi Karkaria here??

Nonetheless, good writing.. Someday when I have enough time, I would like to rewrite that PG wodehouse description.. Probably add a little frill and ribbon myself, should be fun...

Vandita said...

lol that was very funny...
if i had to do it it wudve been chetan bhagat...

Johnny Cigar said...

seth janeman,
your comment left me googling and wiki-ing but still struggling to find the connection!
:|
"Nonetheless, good writing"
thank you so much..
and since you yourself have divorced your blog 'just started' even before the wedding night, lemme tell you that you are one person i would love to have as a guest blogger on my blog!
:D
and as for wodehouse, i myself have read very little of him, and i knew i was not doing justice to him.
but i tried none the less.
i know you would have listed thirty authors if you were going to do something similar..
hope to see you here much much more often..
love you,
bye

@vands,
from what i have read on your blog, i d imagine you d be closer to Rushdie.
:D

freesherry said...

:sigh:
would have fallen off my be laughing had it not been for the three layers of myriad stuff my quilt was covered with, making it impossible for anyone to get out let alone fall off the bed
:sigh:
loved your blog..have blogrolled you :)

Sachin the Seth :)) said...

No i just meant, even if you were trying to write like bachi karkaria, it was a nice effort..

and dont worry, i keep visiting your blog every now and then.. comments reserved for the good pieces:)

suppose i guest blog, it wouldnt be too bad, coz it still remains "sachin"opedia!! will give it some thought.. my writing could put off half your female fan following tho, it would be humor at its darkest, often bordering on the vulgar:D

Johnny Cigar said...

@freesherry,
next time you drop by, turn on the heaters to their fullest.
get out of the quilt and the sweaters.
and make sure you fall off.
thank you so much for the gesture.
gives you one way ticket to the list of people i love.

@ seth,
haaawwww...
it means its been so long since i wrote something which had appeal!
bhai soch ke likha kar, knowing ki mai teri har baat ko kitna seriously leta hu!
:-)
and as for your writings, you firangi desh ki junta never realize the changing indian female readers..
they need their dosage of 'dark' humor and it is your duty to share your experiences..!
hope you are up for it!
'sachin'opedia is waiting anxiously!

Meera said...

wonderfully compiled!

durjoy datta said...

great post man!!!!!!!!!!!
when are we going to a sachin style????????
keep it up!!!!!!

Honey said...

hey this is just next to wonderful... enjoyed reading it... incredibly gud!!! the S. Rushdie is just too gud!!

Johnny Cigar said...

@meera,
thank you so much.

@dd,
let the year end and the blogsville will be engrossed in trying the same.
after all, hum toh studd hai!
thanks.

@honey,
your mail left me refreshing this page four times looking for your comment, until i finally realized honey is YOUR psuedonym.
so you like Rushdie too?
was hoping some Rushdie fan could temme if i have come close to the juggernaut.
thanks for the compliment.
johnny.
thanks for the compliment.

nisha punjabi said...

nice one... can u really tell what did bhajji say? bet he regrets saying the latter after the game!

Vandita said...

nah nah rushdie and me??:P ... can't even imagine usin such flowery language!

Avantika said...

Hilarious!
As far as I can see, Jeeves rules. Oh yes he does. :D

Oh and believe me, everybody I know thinks Harbhajan said "Maa Ki".

I mean seriously, do you expect us Indians to swear with something as pointless and harmless as "MONKEY?".
I think not.

Btw, amazing blog. :D
And, thanks for stopping by mine, I appreciated it. :]

ALPHY said...

Hi, Thanks for the comment. Read this post of yours.Looks very innovative.All the best.

freesherry said...

lolzzz..... this time i did fall of the bed :D
i am truly honoured.. plan to keep that ticket in that special shoebox i hide under my bed ;)

freesherry said...

*off

Johnny Cigar said...

@nisha punjabi,
who knows what he said..
but did u see bhajji's post match winning celebration?

@vandita,
my recent discovery:
floweryness is a matter choice rather than talent.
take your pick.

Johnny Cigar said...

@avantika, the young blogger,
it will not be the first time i would hear harbhajan mouth mummy related abuses.
he is often been quoted.
i myself have heard him do it to Wasim jaffer through the stump camera in the recent indo pak clash at the edens..

@alphy,
thanks.
not required info:
your name is homonym of a popular glue company elfy.

Johnny Cigar said...

@freesherry,
hope i dint hurt you.
and the ticket complains of the smell of stale socks.
it definitely deserves better company.
and i leave it up to u.

Narayanan said...

Wow. One of the best posts on your blog... Ultimate.

Anonymous said...

i really thought that was amazing!!!!!

umangexuberance said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
freesherry said...

oh!
but this ain't no ordinary shoe box
sir
its the one i put all my special tokens in..so the ticket is in pretty nice company i assure u.. lolzz.. take care

Zee said...

he said maa ki..... :)
so did u write all of that urself??? very very nice! :)

Johnny Cigar said...

@nara bhai,
thanks brother,
although my personal fav is HT: I love Delhi.

@anon/maanvi,
thanks...!
yours are few of the most awaited comments!

Johnny Cigar said...

@comment deleted,
so umang=freesherry!

@freesherry,
the ticket = special token!
johnny khush hua!
hua hua ha ha ha..
(with eyes wide open)

Johnny Cigar said...

@zee tv,
that is the most acrimonious and yet the sweetest thing you could have said.
thank you so much for declaring it so good that can be beyond my capability!
hope to see such generous comments more often.

P.S. You are the fourth erson who has said this thing about this post.

Dewdrop said...

lol... It was hilarious :)

Neha said...

hey, how come i missed this post... u really lovvve writing don't u? i envy you :(